Broken Mary

(I wrote this about 2 years ago)

John 12:3- "Mary came in with a jar of very expensive aromatic oils, annointed and massaged Jesus' feet, and then wiped them with her hair. The fragrance of oils filled the house." (TMB)

Mary at Bethany: a Bible story that has always fascinated me. It's a poetic scene of love, vulnerability and brokenness that seems to immediately draw-in it's readers. If you're like me you gaze-off, repeating the scenario in your mind, picturing yourself in her place of intimacy and true worship: A woman so in love with Jesus, she did the unconventional- the unthinkable. She loved on Jesus with all she was: physically, mentally and spiritually- not giving a thought to the criticisms that were sure to follow. She gave her best. She laid down all she was. And in that place of prophetic brokenness, God's heart was stirred. The smell of that aromatic, fine, perfumed oil filled the house. And all those around
did take note. And when some of those people indeed criticized Mary's actions, Jesus quickly came to her defense, declaring, "Leave her alone...Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me." (Mk. 14;6)

A little over a year ago, I found myself in a desperate, dark place. My marriage was failing miserably. My children were rebelling. Even worse- I had lost myself- the very essence of who I was. I had heard stories in the news about women who had abandoned their families, traveled to an obscure city where no one would know them. They started new lives. I'd always balked in disbelief at how any woman could possibly leave-behind the children she'd borne, acting as if they and her other loved ones had never existed. But- I tell you- that's exactly where I found myself. There were no affairs- no secret lovers- no other pulls... just the suffocating feeling of being backed against a wall with no other sensible means of escape. 

That may be how Mary felt when Jesus arrived AFTER her brother had already died. She may have understandably believed there was no way out: No way to relieve the despair: No way to bring Lazarus back. Can you hear her say, "Master, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died." (John 11:32) Can you see her then collapse in a heap at the Lord's feet,
sobbing? Now, are you able to picture Jesus- moved by righteous anger and sweet compassion- Himself weeping? It was after that scene of utter brokenness that our King does a miracle. He does what no one, including Mary, imagines is possible. He raises Lazarus from the dead.

And this is what I felt Him do for me. At that point in my life when I felt total and complete despair, I too emotionally and spiritually collapsed at the feet of my Lord, crying-out, "If only...." It was a position of total surrender. I still remember the night. I wept and wept and- I felt Him weep with me. I felt Him tear away everything that was not the ME He'd created: all the labels; all the masks; all the manipulations- gone. After laying down all that wasn't me, I was able to now surrender- in worship- the very best of me, the true me. I was able to pour out what was most precious to me:
my dreams, my rights, my talents, my control. I felt like Mary at the feet of Jesus just before Passover. I was breaking my alabaster bottle- me- at the feet of Jesus. And like Mary, this time I was completely broken out of a different desperation- love.

A few months ago I was again grappling with the realization that my family needed a miracle. I could feel myself being drawn into the black hole. This time instead of following the pull, I fell at my lover's feet. I searched His Word. He brought me to this beautiful story of Mary yet again. I felt Him encourage me with this insight: When Mary broke that bottle in complete devotion, the smells of the oils permeated the atmosphere. And as the scents drifted through the whole house, it was a testimony to those around her. It's such a testimony that thousands of years later we are still talking about it and learning from it.

I believe my Beloved was telling me that when I live in a state of true brokenness with Him, the sweet smell reaches His nostrils. He is moved with the beauty of my love and worship. It stirs His heart to action.  Lives around me take note and miractles happen. And, my friend, it's not any different for you. 

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